What If They’re Not Trying to Fit In?

I’m the youngest of seven kids.

By the time I got to ninth grade, I had been to seven different schools.

I also had a learning difference that no one ever really picked up on. We didn’t talk about those things the way we do now. I just knew some things were harder for me. Math especially.

I spent a lot of those years trying to prove that I fit.

I thought that was what I wanted.

And then eventually, I did fit.

That was almost more uncomfortable.

I had spent so much time fighting against the grain that fitting in didn’t feel like me. It took me a long time to understand that maybe fitting in was never what I was looking for.

I wanted to belong.

After more than 25 years working with young people, I think about that difference a lot.

We talk about belonging in education. We create programs around it. We measure it. We ask students if they feel connected to their school.

But I wonder sometimes if we confuse belonging with fitting in.

Our students are trying to figure out who they are while also navigating classrooms, friend groups, teams, social media, family expectations and everything else that comes with growing up.

They want to be different.

And they want their differences to be okay.

They want to be themselves and still have a place.

Maybe that’s where mental fitness comes in.

I don’t think mental fitness is about teaching young people how to handle more, push through more or become better at functioning inside every environment we put them in.

I think part of it is helping them know themselves.

What do I need?

What throws me off?

What helps me come back?

Where do I feel like myself?

Where am I changing pieces of myself just so I can fit?

Those are very different questions than, “How do we get this student to fit into what we’re already doing?”

And maybe we need to ask ourselves some questions too.

When a student is struggling in our classroom, school, team or program, how quickly do we focus on what needs to change about the student?

Do we ever wonder what they are working so hard to fit into?

I spent years thinking belonging was something I would find once I finally figured out how to fit.

It took me much longer to realize that accepting who I was had to be part of it.

I wonder what would happen if more young people figured that out sooner.

And I wonder what would change in education if instead of asking,

“How do we help this student fit?”

we started asking,

“What does this student need in order to belong?”

With gratitude,
Cathy